The Ten Commandments Bedlam

The State of Louisiana has mandated that the Ten Commandments be included in every classroom.

I have tried to imagine seventh-grade teachers walking into their classrooms on a Monday morning, and voilà, emblazoned above the whiteboard or blackboard is a list of the Ten Commandments. The principal has ordered the teachers to review them with their classes. Here’s an example of how one teacher might react.

*****

I’ve heard of the Ten Commandments but don’t know much about them. I’ll wing it, I say to myself as I turn toward the students.

“Good morning, class. We are going to start the day by reviewing the Ten Commandments. How many of you know about the Ten Commandments?”

All hands go up except two, so I ask one those students, “Tell me, Joey, why don’t you know about the Ten Commandments?”

“I think it’s about church stuff, and I don’t go to church,” Joey says.

The other student is a girl with a scarf over her head. I know her answer but ask anyway. She replies, “I’m a Muslim.”

I know Aaron is Jewish, so I’m sure he can help me through this maze. “Aaron, can you explain the Ten Commandments to the class?”

Without missing a beat, Aaron replies, “First of all, in the Tanakh—Christians call it the Old Testament—there are no such words as ‘The Ten Commandments.’ Anyway, Yahweh gave a list of laws to Moses on Mount Sinai. Moses came down the mountain and caught his people worshiping Baal, a pagan god. That made Moses angry, so he threw the stone tablets on the ground and they shattered. He lectured the people and then went back up the mountain to receive the Commandments again from Yahweh.”

Sammy asks Aaron, “What’s a Yahweh?”

Aaron smiles and shares that the Jewish people never use the word “God.” They use “Yahweh.”

I interrupt: “Thank you, Aaron. Here’s the First Commandment: ‘I am the Lord thy God. Thou shalt not have strange gods before me.’”

Sammy asks, “Is my God the same as Yahweh?”

Aaron responds, “No,” and goes on to explain.

Sammy replies, “Your Yahweh sounds like a ‘strange god’ to me.”

I have to stop this now. “Let’s look at the Second Commandment, taking the Lord’s name in vain.”

Jimmy, the class clown, throws out a zinger: “Does that mean I can’t say ‘God dammit’ anymore?” I just knew Jimmy was going to do this.

Aaron saves the day, “No, it’s not about cussing. It’s about taking oaths.”

Quickly I say, “The Third Commandment is about keeping the Sabbath holy.”

Susie jumps in, “Isn’t the Sabbath on Sunday?”

Aaron does it again: “The Sabbath begins on Friday night at sundown and ends at Saturday night at sundown.”

Ten hands shoot up, and almost in unison the students say, “No, the Sabbath is on Sunday.”

Jimmy chimes in, “That’s why I don’t go to church. No one knows when the Sabbath is.” The class laughs. Jimmy is on a roll.

I interrupt, “The Fourth Commandment says, ‘Honor thy father and mother.’”

A new voice asks, “What happens if I have two fathers and no mother?”

Another student says, “My mama says she doesn’t know who my father is.”

Then another, “My mother’s a drug addict, and I live with my grandparents.”

Pandora’s box is open; I need to keep moving. “Thank you for sharing. Now, the Fifth Commandment: ‘Thou shalt not kill.’” I can’t wait until this is over.

Jimmy shouts, “Damn, I was going to kill my sister tonight.”

“Jimmy, no more cursing.”

Christie says, “My dad is a Marine, and his job is to kill people.”

I’ll never vote for any politician who thought putting the Ten Commandments in a classroom of seventh graders was a good idea. “Thank you, Christie. Class, I don’t have the ability to talk about the Sixth Commandment. If you want to know more about it, I suggest you talk with your Mom or Dad. Don’t bring it up at the dinner table, but do it privately. It’s rather complicated.”

Sammy blurts out, “Is that the one about adultery? My dad does it all the time.”

Hastily, I move on. “Okay, the Seventh Commandment says, ’Don’t steal.’”

A new voice, Danielle, shares, “Yeah, my dad’s doing seven to ten years in the state pen for stealing a car. He says it ain’t no fun in that place. So I ain’t gonna steal.”

Right now, I’m questioning my decision to be a teacher. “Moving on. The Eighth Commandment reads, ‘Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor.’ Does anyone want to tell me what that means?”

Christie states, “My Sunday school teacher says it means that we aren’t to gossip.”

Aaron retorts, “If one reads that in Hebrew, the Hebrew words signify something different.”

Jimmy jumps in, “Hey Aaron, talk Hebrew at us.” Aaron starts speaking Hebrew, and the class is amazed that he can talk so fluently in this very different-sounding language.

I’m off the hook for a moment, but I have to continue. “The Ninth Commandment reads, ‘Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s wife.”

I hardly finish the word “wife” when Jimmy shouts, “Can I covet my pastor’s wife? She’s not my neighbor, and she’s a babe!”

I’ve almost made it. “And the final commandment, ‘Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s goods.’”

A voice shouts, “What does ‘a neighbor’s goods’ mean?”

I have no idea.

Jimmy blurts out, “Can I covet his bads?”

And with that, I say my favorite words, “Class dismissed for recess,” and sit down. I now know why I don’t go to church.

*****

I hope I didn’t lose you with this imaginary dialogue, but I can assure you that putting these nonexistent Ten Commandments in every classroom in Louisiana will do nothing to help the fact that Louisiana has the third-worst statewide education in the USA. It might even help them become the worst.

Before this Louisiana law, I would share that there were four different versions of the Ten Commandments in the Old Testament, but after seeing the Ten Commandments that Louisiana put in their classrooms, there is now a fifth rendition, which is found nowhere in the Bible. This is just further proof that the Christian Nationalists (who are neither) have won again!

PeaceLoveJoyHopeKindness

Bil

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P.S. People often ask me provocative questions about current events, both religious and secular. I have found that some of these questions are being asked universally. I’ll be periodically alternating regular articles with one of those questions and my answer. I invite you to send me your question to bilaulenbach@yahoo.com.