The concept of marriage in 2024 is very different from when I was born in 1932. Few people were shacking up or having premarital sex (supposedly), and for the most part, marriage ceremonies were performed in churches and synagogues, not by judges or court clerks.
I met my Anne in 1960 and wanted to marry her after six weeks. I had waited twenty-eight years for her and didn’t want to wait any longer. But the church demanded we wait a year. We settled for nine months because the church and society mandated a church wedding because I had to have its blessings. In 2024, that’s not an issue.
Today, there is no social stigma when two people have premarital sex, move in together, and pretend to be married. I don’t have a problem with this, but I do think it’s important to be aware that there’s a vast difference between being married and cohabitating.
For starters, just living together does not require vows. Vows are a commitment made in the presence of clergy or a judge and witnesses that can’t be negated without paying a price, literally or figuratively.
I don’t believe the church is what makes marriage sacred. (By sacred, I mean placing something or someone as a top priority in one’s life.) When two people consider their relationship sacred, they will work much harder at moving through the difficult periods in every marriage. Cohabitating does not do that. Walking away is too easy.
Unfortunately, today, too many weddings emphasize the events leading up to the wedding, the reception, and the honeymoon and give only lip service to the actual wedding. When I see that happening, yellow flags go up.
I also don’t believe what Jesus said about marriage is helpful today. He lived in a vastly different world and culture. Women and children were property. Men were “king of the mountain.” The word gay meant happy, not someone’s sexual orientation. Marriage was between a man and a woman. There was no science about human sexuality. The earth was flat. God lived above the third firmament. The psychological damage done in an unhappy home wasn’t an issue. In the Gospels, Jesus is wishy-washy about divorce. Mark is adamant: no divorce. Matthew slips in, “Except for sexual immorality” (if your wife slept with someone else, only then can you divorce her). Marriage and divorce is not that simple anymore.
Agape gives me a better answer. Unconditional love does not mean one has to like everyone, but it does mean forgiving others and ourselves and moving on.
I think now most people wait until they are older, more mature, settled, and better able to understand life before they tie the knot. I understand why some young people might be hesitant about marriage. Many were raised in a climate of negative hostility between their parents and want nothing to do with marriage. I have also seen young folks use that same experience to work even harder to keep their marriage sacred.
Today, I feel people can get married too easily and divorce is too complex (costly). Perhaps society should make it more difficult to be married by requiring couples to take premarital counseling or classes before they can obtain the license.
Also, we should make it easier to obtain a divorce by legislating divorce mediation before anyone sees an attorney. I was a certified divorce mediator, saving a few marriages and thousands of dollars with much less emotional wear and tear.
Do you have any thoughts about marriage in 2024?
PeaceLoveJoyHopeKindness
Bil
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P.S. People often ask me provocative questions about current events, both religious and secular. I have found that some of these questions are being asked universally. I’ll be periodically alternating regular articles with one of those questions and my answer. I invite you to send me your question to bilaulenbach@yahoo.com.
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